A chilling quote I read not too long ago went along the lines of "Hell on earth: the day that the person you became meets the person you could have become." Snap. If that isn't a bone shaking kick in the pants, then I don't know what is. Raise your hand if you are currently satisfied with yourself...anyone? Not on this end of the screen. I don't think that's a question that I've been able to raise my hand for since early 2010. When I got married in the summer of 2006, I set out on a journey of self discovery. A lot of it had to do with questioning what I believed, what I knew to be true. Outwardly, this showed too. I tried out different wardrobes ranging from "I don't give a rats behind rebel" to "may I have some more tea with my crumpets please?", my hairstylists were brought pictures of fictional characters rather than Hollywood idols. I had interesting endeavors, met some cool people and walked in the shoes of a dozen different versions of me. Just when I thought I had finally, finally! found myself (I swore to my husband that being a pin up girl was my true calling, bahaha)I.threw.up... A LOT. Could it be? Quick pee break before "Desperate Housewives" came on proved that it can. I was pregnant. We were ecstatic, it had only been a couple of weeks since we decided to start trying for a baby. After a few weeks, the morning sickness came and didn't stop until my seventh month of pregnancy. I cut my hair to help deal with the constant headaches of wearing it up. Misplaced my make up bag for a few months, and wore nothing but yoga pants until I got to the hospital. Fast forward September 2012, my second son was born (we wanted two kiddos close in age) and I had sort of wilted on the inside. I was an overweight, frumpy mom with a kangaroo pouch and a couple of vacation bags under my eyes. I wanted to have some time to myself, to remember who I was before I became a mom so that I could introduce that person to these babies, because this current Val was a bit too snappy and sad and not very fun to be around. Somewhere along the way I started comparing myself to other moms, bashing myself daily, stunting any sort of creative growth, constantly hushing the good and turning up the bad because I felt that's just what I deserved. Long story short-- my hair is orange now. Thank God! I'm finally getting back on that path to sticking out like a sore thumb in the Russian community and that's where I feel most comfortable. I hate fitting in. It goes against everything I'm naturally born to feel. It's a small step, but it has already helped me so much. I thank God for showing me how very lovely and special I am to Him. For reminding me that beauty is where you are happy. I lost 10 lbs and learned to limit myself in the right ways. I'm learning to love myself and trying to find balance in my roles as a mother, wife and individual. I know that I can be so much more (I always think of my 10 year old self and what she would have wanted for me.) And I don't want to be afraid of meeting someone I could have become because I want to be better than her. Spring is in the air and with it I feel change is blowing my way. Good change, beautiful change. Thank you Lord for being my constant, for never wavering like I so often do. Your love and grace give me strength and flood my heart with peace in dire times. You're pretty amazing.
Goals for this month:
1) Be nice to my husband (I've been such a snappy croc lately!)
2) Spend time with the Lord daily.
3) Worry less and trust more.
I'll update my progress truthfully to stay accountable :)
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