Who said you can have it all?

It's been almost 2 months since my first post, and I am laughing at myself now, because when I started this blog, it was at the end of a very long, horrid week. Upon signing up, I  imagined I would be caught blogging on my laptop in the closet past midnight, typing away with my fingers on fire and foaming at the mouth over the craziness of it all. Ha! I can just see it now! To my (pleasant) surprise, I've done better under pressure than I thought I would and do you know why that is? The Lord my Savior is first to thank for all the courage and strength He provides me with because without Him I'd be nothing, but also because I stopped trying to do and be it all . Now, understand that my house is never clean on the same day that the laundry is folded and dinner is made. Never. So I wasn't really "being" it all, but I consumed myself with the want for it. I wanted to look perfect and have dinner made when DH got home all while being in a great mood. I wanted to be able to go kick it with some girlfriends and laugh over lattes without having to pay for it later with an exasperated screaming toddler or a needy baby. I wanted to have a perfect home with all the laundry folded and put away and have something cute to wear for every day of the week. I just wanted more than I could give myself or my family. I see people on social networking sites every day and how lovely they look. And I would wonder, how in the world is everything so perfect for some people? Over the past few weeks, God has been working on my heart and here's a little something that I believe He wants and needs a lot of you mommy's to hear; you can't have it all! Somewhere amidst the perfect lives of others that we see or hear about, a sacrifice is being made. Let me break it down for you and how I've come to understand this little obvious concept. A few weeks ago, a dear friend of mine picked up my son Ezra for a few hours, yipee! Just me and the baby and so many possibilities! I decided I would shower, fix my hair and make up and look great for the rest of the day. Well, the rest of the day came too quick! That hour and a half that I spent getting myself ready up to someone else's standards could have been used to do something for someone else! I know it's important to take care of yourself and look great, bla bla, but my understanding of taking care of myself is so different from those that I was comparing myself to. You see, taking care of myself should go in the order of first spiritually, then mentally, then physically. Instead I was looking pretty and feeling quite empty. I realized that in that 90 minutes I had sacrificed sweet "agoo" moments with Adam, maybe reading a few chapters of the Bible or even a parenting book. I could have baked my love some cookies or done something extra special for him, but I didn't. I agree that moms need to take time for themselves, but this just wasn't the way for me. The time I take for myself would be better spent on something that beautifies my insides over aging outsides, besides, my husband can't even tell when I'm wearing makeup and tells me every day how beautiful I look. What more can a girl ask for? In the future, if you see me posting pictures of crafts, or cookies or looking prettier than my usual (lol) keep in mind that it's very likely that the background of that photo has dirty diaper bombs laying ALL over the place, clothing spewn throughout the entire house, an empty fridge and no dinner. Yup. We all sacrifice somewhere, for if we could have and do it all, we would not need God to lean on. And ladies, the reality is, we do. So if you look like crap, haven't gotten out of your pj's or house for a few days now, then you're like the majority of moms out there who have sacrificed and continue sacrificing themselves every day for their families. I know the day will someday come when I can take a shower, do my hair and makeup and all will still be well with the universe, but as of now-- I shower, plop on a hat and whatever is clean (or at least smells good) and get the ball rolling on the day ahead with my babies. We laugh, we cry, we learn and grow and I'm not about to give any of that up for some shmear on my face or other petty mumbo jumbo. Being a mom can be a thankless job, but that's not why we do it. I believe it's called love.

Therapy please!

After months of contemplating whether or not I should start a blog, here I am. We've all heard the saying that goes along the lines of "those who are scared to dream are just scared of failure" and that has been my reason for debate. Failure. Failure of what?! A small audience? Improper wording? Oh please. It takes me back to my days in elementary school and not being a cool kid. I remember the day I felt about as uncool a penguin in Hawaii.. (wait, Hawaii has penguins up for display in their hotels...so never mind that comparison). I came out of the lunch room eagerly searching for my "crowd" to go sit with in the field and gossip about Darby's high waisted stretchy pants and latest DIY haircut-- eek. Before I could get out to the field, there were my girls standing by the chalk lined brick wall of our school, joined by another girl that wasn't part of our group but knew the girls. The new girl quickly told me that I was no longer allowed to hang out with them and that we would no longer be talking at school, after which they gave me a half forced smile and walked away. I was crushed and for the remainder of the school year I saw them giggle and eat their lunches together and gossip in the field, probably about Darby's latest OOTD. Out of that experience I learned I wasn't cool enough for the "it" crowd at school, but I was quickly and effortlessly embraced by a few girls who were... different. They weren't the cool kids in the sense of having the latest trendy outfit, but they were definitely cool. They were nice and sweet and never made me feel like an outsider. They even gave me a nickname, oh joy! I figured from that point on that I didn't really care what those other cool kids thought of me. I actually enjoyed having a great time and having them glare at me for it-- which fueled my need for pressing people's buttons at an early age-- I found where I belonged and it felt great. Somewhere between high school and a bad haircut, I started feeling the need to fit in again but that's a different story. The point is, I've gone back to my elementary ways in the sense that I don't care if you don't like me or my blog, I don't care if you read it or not. I'm now a mother of two boys under the age of two, one of which is going through his terrible twos for a few months now and the other a beautiful 6 week old who just won't stop spitting up on me, my husband travels for work and we recently moved into a house with stairs. Oh the stairs. So in short, I need therapy. THIS is my therapy. You are welcome to sit in on my session but are just as welcome to leave if you don't like what I have to say. I'm just going to be myself and if you are too cool for me, I'll just have to deal with that. In my blog I'd like to show what goes on behind the scenes of that Instagram picture that most of us are so envious of. I will share my triumphs and failures of everyday, ordinary motherhood. My outfit of the day consists of my fat jeans, a zip up covered in spit up, my husbands Lakers hat and a pair of comfy ol' Privos. My breakfast is not homemade granola at a fancy little joint but rather a yogurt cup in one hand, a baby on my boob in the other while my toddler yells "mama" repeatedly at the top of his lungs and nothing will quiet him until I pick him up. Yup, if this all sounds too familiar then this session is for you as well. I don't care to have a ton of followers, just to keep my sanity amidst this roller coaster ride called motherhood so that I can be the best wife and mama to my family and maybe help someone feel that they are not the only ones out there with only a shred of sanity at the moment.