Seems like blogging is a bi annual occurrence for me. I have a lot to say, but I tend to over think things, then I doubt myself and usually give up that thought. Today though, I wanted to blog because of a journal entry that I wrote a couple of days before last Thanksgiving that I read today and was in awe of life and how quickly things change when we are willing. Willing to push ourselves, willing to feel helpless and not give up, willing to see ourselves different and better and happier in the future. Only when we are willing.
"November 26, 2014
Journaling has been a long lost friend that I have wanted to visit for quite some time now, but for some reason was hesitant. It reminded me of achy hands writing down long accounts of things that didn't carry much meaning down the road. It wasn't the deepest things of my heart, but rather things that I could talk to most anybody about. This is the fist time I am really acknowledging that my previous journal entries were somewhat tedious to write and read after years of being hidden in dark boxes. It wasn't that enjoyable. At this point in my life though, in this season, I need my pen and paper like no other.
My life has felt like a jumbled mess for some time now. I let fear creep in at times and it whispers lies into the deepest parts of me that this is just how it's going to be. That the 'me' I was searching for years prior has been discovered and she's nothing but a confused mess- overrated and definitely not special like the hope of yesterday would have had me believe. I think that I am on the last square of the board game, that the marker has landed me here and at 27- I am doomed to make the best of it.
From the bigger picture though, I feel my Heavenly Father show me that the game is just beginning to unfold- that anything can happen and that it can be really good. I refer to Him as my Heavenly Father kind of like I just received the results of a paternity test. In my heart I know it's true, but I just don't know Him yet. I've yet to dive into the depths of His heart and feel His love for me.
If I were to round up my current self into a short list for someone, it would go something like this;
*aimlessly wandering
*short fuse
*confused
*overwhelmed
*low self esteem
*feel unnoticed
*guilty
*want direction
*making small changes consistently
*don't stick with things
*on the brink of hopelessness
Now, from that list- I could never before see how someone could 'get' themselves there and lack the motivation to get out of that rut. So clearly, I am right off the bat not very understanding or empathetic to my own situation. I feel disgust towards myself in terms of weight, overall appearance, myself as a mother, wife, friend and overall person.
To be completely honest, I have not yet lost hope. I see myself fit, happy, enjoying life to the fullest with my beautiful children, my over the top incredible husband, my Creator, my friends, my community and so on. I believe my current condition can be summed up to not living an intentional life, procrastinating and not taking responsibility for my actions and really just failing to plan what I would life to see happen in my life. Neglecting calls that the Lord has placed on my heart and just skipping down the unfulfilling path of least resistance. my goal with this new chapter of journaling is to be raw, real and honest and where I'm at and where my heart is leading me. I've discovered recently that I fear disappointing loved ones, so much that I make excuses rather than efforts. I end up disappointing myself in the process."
To be continued...
