Ready to be raw

Seems like blogging is a bi annual occurrence for me. I have a lot to say, but I tend to over think things, then I doubt myself and usually give up that thought. Today though, I wanted to blog because of a journal entry that I wrote a couple of days before last Thanksgiving that I read today and was in awe of life and how quickly things change when we are willing. Willing to push ourselves, willing to feel helpless and not give up, willing to see ourselves different and better and happier in the future. Only when we are willing.

"November 26, 2014

             Journaling has been a long lost friend that I have wanted to visit for quite some time now, but for some reason was hesitant. It reminded me of achy hands writing down long accounts of things that didn't carry much meaning down the road. It wasn't the deepest things of my heart, but rather things that I could talk to most anybody about. This is the fist time I am really acknowledging that my previous journal entries were somewhat tedious to write and read after years of being hidden in dark boxes. It wasn't that enjoyable. At this point in my life though, in this season, I need my pen and paper like no other.

My life has felt like a jumbled mess for some time now. I let fear creep in at times and it whispers lies into the deepest parts of me that this is just how it's going to be. That the 'me' I was searching for years prior has been discovered and she's nothing but a confused mess- overrated and definitely not special like the hope of yesterday would have had me believe. I think that I am on the last square of the board game, that the marker has landed me here and at 27- I am doomed to make the best of it.

From the bigger picture though, I feel my Heavenly Father show me that the game is just beginning to unfold- that anything can happen and that it can be really good. I refer to Him as my Heavenly Father kind of like I just received the results of a paternity test. In my heart I know it's true, but I just don't know Him yet. I've yet to dive into the depths of His heart and feel His love for me.

If I were to round up my current self into a short list for someone, it would go something like this;

*aimlessly wandering
*short fuse
*confused
*overwhelmed
*low self esteem
*feel unnoticed
*guilty
*want direction
*making small changes consistently
*don't stick with things
*on the brink of hopelessness

Now, from that list- I could never before see how someone could 'get' themselves there and lack the motivation to get out of that rut. So clearly, I am right off the bat not very understanding or empathetic to my own situation. I feel disgust towards myself in terms of weight, overall appearance, myself as a mother, wife, friend and overall person.

To be completely honest, I have not yet lost hope. I see myself fit, happy, enjoying life to the fullest with my beautiful children, my over the top incredible husband, my Creator, my friends, my community and so on. I believe my current condition can be summed up to not living an intentional life, procrastinating and not taking responsibility for my actions and really just failing to plan what I would life to see happen in my life. Neglecting calls that the Lord has placed on my heart and just skipping down the unfulfilling path of least resistance. my goal with this new chapter of journaling is to be raw, real and honest and where I'm at and where my heart is leading me. I've discovered recently that I fear disappointing loved ones, so much that I make excuses rather than efforts. I end up disappointing myself in the process."


To be continued...

Polina, this one's for you

Polina, your kind words and encouragement and constant nagging support to keep virtually slapping people in the face has landed me here. Almost 16 months after my last post, I'm back. If you follow me on IG, you may have heard that my husband and I have decided to move our family into a trailer. Our main goal and intention with this plan is to live a simple life and rid ourselves of debt, clutter and be a whole different batch of cookies from all the perfect molds out there and the damn gingerbread family we're in danger of becoming. I've always wanted to do this and Vlad is amazing and loves me so that he said one night not even two weeks ago "okay, let's do it" ... "SERIOUSLY?! You mean it?!" I exclaimed, "yeah, let's do it babe." Um, if that's not love then I don't know what is. A man who has agreed to live with me and our two boys under the age of four in a 28 foot 1977 Silver Streak Aluminum Trailer is pure gold. I adore him and always will for his beautiful, open heart #scoredbig.

This all stirred back up in me 3 weeks ago when Vlad started a new job that's a 180 mile round trip from home. I couldn't keep up. The house, the kids, myself-- I got overwhelmed and knew that we needed a game changer. I couldn't keep living in this mess, the dishes, the toys the avalanche of laundry... and I didn't want to clean it because the second I did, it creeped right back in. The kids were constantly attention deprived and needy, and God knows I want to be with them, but I also need a little bit less mess in my life in order to function as the kind of mom I can be proud of at the end of the day. Now, I'm sure those Super Moms out there are thinking, "well why does your house get so out of control to begin with?" Well, to you I say, "I don't care what you're thinking-- you and your perfect house can suck it." It's true. None of us little piggy moms like you, you annoy us. Omg that's so rude, I know, but I would be too chicken to say it to your face so I'll just say it behind my screen. Anywho, mini rant out of the way, where was I at? Oh yes, the game changer attitude awakened the old desires and reminded me of myself at 18 trying to convince Vlad that we should buy a Van and live in it down by the river. He did not share my excitement over this idea and we closed the door on that conversation, until now.

What is this going to look like for us? Well, first off, we can keep maybe a tenth of our belongings, even though a trailer has more storage space than you would think-- simplifying our lives is more important to us right now than utilizing all of our storage compartments with anything that isn't absolutely necessary, brings us health or utter joy ;-) Second, we will no longer have the strict bedtimes for our boys that we adhered to for the last almost 4 years. This is a hard one for me, but I think an important trial for me to experience. Late bedtimes in childhood are a life mess that I want to be okay with. Third, our indoor space will be limited which will undoubtedly push us out into the world around us to explore, something that seems to be getting harder for younger generations to enjoy. Fourth, less walls means that we need to communicate with each other even if we don't want to. Less walls to separate us and tighter quarters to gently force invite us into a closer bond with each other. I really don't know what we're getting ourselves into, and that's okay with me. I have the most important things with me right now going into this unknown with me together and that's kinda all that matters.

Upon doing research on the subject of full time travel trailer living, I was pleasantly surprised that very many families do this. Some choose to live in a trailer while they are building the home of their dreams, others to be off the grid and self sustainable, while others just like us are tired of the rat race. For us especially, it hits harder in the Slavic community where certain expectations are applied to you without you even asking for it. The big house to store all the crap you don't really need while your husband toils to pay for the titanic sized mortgage. Screw that-- that's not what we want. We crave simplicity and the time to enjoy it for the gift that it is. I've heard a handful of people say to me in recent years "you know.. we were so much happier when things were more simple, when we had less money and less responsibilities." Yeah, I get you. So why do most of us keep pressing on to have all of this shit that complicates our lives? That puts distance between us and our kids? Maybe you really are supermom and the endless list of chores doesn't daunt you, then you are amazing. I seriously don't know how you do it all, because I've tried and I just can't and don't want to. Less clothing= less laundry. Less dishes=less time washing them.Tiny-ass fridge=less food wasted. Less toys=more time spent together. Smaller house=less distance between us.

Are we going to do this forever? Hell no. I'm excited about this journey ahead of us, but I long for a garden, chickens, even our cow Molly that I've already named. So first off, we become debt free by taking on a simple lifestyle with a simple mindset while we park on our family's acres. Second, we sell our cars and buy a truck to tow our house on wheels to National Parks, rivers, oceans, big cities and small. Third, we set aside some moolah to build a house of our own, nothing extravagant, just something to call our own and set down some roots for our boys. My husband has been blessed with a traveling job which will allow us to do this. So I will keep you guys updated (for those that are interested, maybe even a few supermoms who don't completely hate me after this post) on our new adventures. First up, updating and personalizing our Silver Streak to get it ready for move in on September 1st! Just put in our notice so the countdown is on!

True to the blog name

"Some people just need a high five.. in the face.. with a chair."

Ok, I'm not really that cruel, but I can't say I didn't laugh when I first read that. Having attended a Russian church most of my childhood and teen years, I can truly only recall two sermons that have fastened to my heart throughout my adult life (both from the same speaker) to which I find myself looking back on and thinking "ain't that the truth?!".. One of those sermons was spoken on a boring Wednesday night service when I was about 15 or 16 years old. There weren't many people in the audience, but blessed were those that heard the sermon named "distraction," for the message was not ancient, but indeed ahead of its time, because in the years following that Wednesday night, distractions have taken on one of the biggest roles in our culture. When I was listening to that sermon in which the message was simple "The Devil needs but one tool to win over your soul and that is distraction", I was thinking about the distractions in my life. Boys. 'Days of our lives.' Instant messaging/chat, there were just so many that I needed to get under control! {Enter smart ass smirk emoticon} because the days since then have become so much more evil. I'm sure a lot of you can relate; you go to a service where the message spoken reminds you of the 'end times' and you start to feel a bit uneasy. You watch a movie where the end of the world is upon us and suddenly the things that you found so exigent, merely hours ago, no longer seem to hold any value. Your heart is gripped by an urgency and you get that eerie, uneasy feeling in your gut and you know that you just can't go on living the comfortable life you start every day with your morning latte, because the bigger picture has been opened to you! You want to roll down your windows and yell it to all who will listen "People! We've been blinded for so long.. our lives have become too comfortable, we're freakishly okay with where we are at, it's time to wake up and step in some mud, get dirty for a change!" Yeah.. that was refreshing. Good night. Good morning. You pour your coffee while checking the latest feed on your choice of social networking and suddenly you realize how out of line and kooky you were last night. Pfft! Everything is okay, I clearly overreacted! The world was as is, you see? It's not all so scary and urgent as it seemed for a minute there.

That's the scariest thing of all. Eternity tugs at our hearts and without much thought, we brush it off as a vexatious feeling and unknowingly look for comfort in the little things that are so frivolous! So yes people, sometimes we need a high five in the face, with a freaking chair! Me being the first, because I get caught up all too often with things that, in the big picture that God has painted for us, simply don't matter. It's wonderful to enjoy this life with all of the senses that God granted us, but it's just not okay as a believer to give them so much precedence in our lives. I wish more people cared about the VOTD (verse of the day) over what they are draping over their skin and bones. Am I being too forward? I mean, I care about how I look-- not that you would know if you saw me on a daily basis-- but I mean, I don't want to wear a potato sack and call it good. I want to have hobbies and brunches and go on dates, I want all of that. I guess the way I want to see it is that eternity is my workday and the rest is my lunch break rather than the other way around. I hope I haven't offended anyone, but this is my blog and these are my thoughts. They are mostly for me, but I'm learning to do what God puts on my heart, so there it is. If we truly want to be the hands and feet of Jesus, sometimes we gotta take off those stilettos and walk barefoot in the rain.

UPDATE FROM LAST MONTHS GOALS;

1) Being nicer to my husband. This is a bit tricky as he left town two weeks after I posted, and in a long distance marriage, there isn't much time for bickering! I think that I definitely tried to force myself to drop things that just lead to drama and appreciate the good man that I have! I feel that sometimes when things are too good, I like to shake it up a bit and now I'm thinking "ahh, betta not."

2) Spend time with the Lord daily. Failed. Miserably. Thank you Lord for loving me always and never giving up on me.

3) Worrying less and trusting more. This has been a rocky path for me as worrying comes so naturally, but God just stands behind me and tells me to fall into His arms, He will catch me. I've let go a few times, and He's always faithful. Even when I've held on, He lovingly reminded me that my worrying is about as useful as dictionary is to Snooki. wah wah.

Hello self, nice to meet you.

A chilling quote I read not too long ago went along the lines of "Hell on earth: the day that the person you became meets the person you could have become." Snap. If that isn't a bone shaking kick in the pants, then I don't know what is. Raise your hand if you are currently satisfied with yourself...anyone? Not on this end of the screen. I don't think that's a question that I've been able to raise my hand for since early 2010. When I got married in the summer of 2006, I set out on a journey of self discovery. A lot of it had to do with questioning what I believed, what I knew to be true. Outwardly, this showed too. I tried out different wardrobes ranging from "I don't give a rats behind rebel" to "may I have some more tea with my crumpets please?", my hairstylists were brought pictures of fictional characters rather than Hollywood idols. I had interesting endeavors, met some cool people and walked in the shoes of a dozen different versions of me. Just when I thought I had finally, finally! found myself (I swore to my husband that being a pin up girl was my true calling, bahaha)I.threw.up... A LOT. Could it be? Quick pee break before "Desperate Housewives" came on proved that it can. I was pregnant. We were ecstatic, it had only been a couple of weeks since we decided to start trying for a baby. After a few weeks, the morning sickness came and didn't stop until my seventh month of pregnancy. I cut my hair to help deal with the constant headaches of wearing it up. Misplaced my make up bag for a few months, and wore nothing but yoga pants until I got to the hospital. Fast forward September 2012, my second son was born (we wanted two kiddos close in age) and I had sort of wilted on the inside. I was an overweight, frumpy mom with a kangaroo pouch and a couple of vacation bags under my eyes. I wanted to have some time to myself, to remember who I was before I became a mom so that I could introduce that person to these babies, because this current Val was a bit too snappy and sad and not very fun to be around. Somewhere along the way I started comparing myself to other moms, bashing myself daily, stunting any sort of creative growth, constantly hushing the good and turning up the bad because I felt that's just what I deserved. Long story short-- my hair is orange now. Thank God! I'm finally getting back on that path to sticking out like a sore thumb in the Russian community and that's where I feel most comfortable. I hate fitting in. It goes against everything I'm naturally born to feel. It's a small step, but it has already helped me so much. I thank God for showing me how very lovely and special I am to Him. For reminding me that beauty is where you are happy. I lost 10 lbs and learned to limit myself in the right ways. I'm learning to love myself and trying to find balance in my roles as a mother, wife and individual. I know that I can be so much more (I always think of my 10 year old self and what she would have wanted for me.) And I don't want to be afraid of meeting someone I could have become because I want to be better than her. Spring is in the air and with it I feel change is blowing my way. Good change, beautiful change. Thank you Lord for being my constant, for never wavering like I so often do. Your love and grace give me strength and flood my heart with peace in dire times. You're pretty amazing. 

Goals for this month:

1) Be nice to my husband (I've been such a snappy croc lately!)

2) Spend time with the Lord daily.

3) Worry less and trust more. 

I'll update my progress truthfully to stay accountable :)

My ode to you, sweet love

In honor of that lovey dovey, ooey gooey holiday that is right around the corner, I thought I'd write a little entry dedicated to the one I love.

"If nothing lasts forever, please be my nothing" -unknown

I was seven years old when I laid eyes on this boy. Vanilla blonde hair, chocolate chip eyes and those tootsie roll lips. He sounds too yummy to be true, right? Okay I'm trying to keep with the Valentines Day theme here, but truly it's a pretty accurate description. We started a friendship when we were sixteen years of age. Growing up in the same neighborhood for four years we had so much as exchanged a look maybe once or twice. We were so different with nothing in common to the naked eye, that was until we turned sixteen. Sixteen was Vlad's favorite number "twice as nice as Kobe" he'd say (Kobe Bryant used to be number 8 for the Lakers and Vlad has been his die hard fan since he was about 8 years old) and even though I never had a favorite number, sixteen has now become my favorite too. At the age of sixteen I was blessed enough to meet the man that I dared never to dream up. Our friendship was just that, we became friends in the summer of 2003 with no hidden agendas or motives for us to become anything more than that. We talked and enjoyed each others' company and I found myself at ease with him. That winter during the annual Sunriver trip, I somehow ended up at his family's lodge, and we started talking one evening and didn't stop until the sun came up the next morning. I remember it like it was yesterday. Though the vision of us being so young is fading, the feelings still make those butterflies come alive. Come January, we were talking every day via MSN instant messaging, remember that?! Then it all kind of went fast from there, Vlad drank some brave juice in order to muster up the guts to tell me he had a thing for me, I was too scared to reply so I played Mandy Moore's "I wanna be with you" into the phone to which Vlad replied "What??? I didn't understand a thing she said" oh youth.  We  had our first official date on January 6th (this is a guesstimate, neither one of us remember the exact day, we calculated in accordance of other events that took place that year and came up with January 6th and that is how we celebrate it every year) it was the crazy ice storm that we'll never forget. Everything was frozen like we'd never seen before. Yet Vlad still drove out to see me and we took a walk together through the roads void of any cars and held hands for the first time on the corner of my neighborhood street, which is where he proposed to me 2 years later on our anniversary. We got married in 2006 and my head has not stopped spinning from the way he makes me feel every time I see his face. He has a very humble, conservative nature about him and I'm pretty much the opposite, yet he has allowed me to discover myself, whichever way that may be without changing who we are as a couple. He's not one of those guys that asks me to have my hair a certain color or length, or has me apply my make up like so and dress like that.That's so foreign for me to hear! He always has the exact same answer when I bring up a crazy idea; "Will it make you happy?" he asks. "because if it will, you know I'm all for it baby." He gives me massages, reads books with me and camps out with me in chair and blanket tents on the living room floor. He takes me seriously and listens to me like I'm the most important person on earth. He lets me sleep in while he cleans the kitchen and makes me breakfast. He invests time in me and has patience beyond measure. He's wise in his words and isn't quick to jump without thinking things through. He's my logic when I forget where mine is at. He always reassures me that it'll be ok, and somehow it always is. We still say I love you about 20 times a day, we hold hands at every chance we get. We make out at the movies and have the best time together always. He is my best friend, truly. I miss him when he's just at home and I have to run errands for a couple of hours, needless to say that pain is even more so when he's away for work. I'm at a loss for words sometimes for the way he treats me, I don't know why God chose me to be so happy, but I'm grateful that He did. I'm so thankful that I have this piece of sunshine in my life that gifted me two more little suns with rays that brighten the darkest of days.

Sweetheart, I love you. We're still just sixteen at heart.

"Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life, love should not be one of them." -unknown

Who said you can have it all?

It's been almost 2 months since my first post, and I am laughing at myself now, because when I started this blog, it was at the end of a very long, horrid week. Upon signing up, I  imagined I would be caught blogging on my laptop in the closet past midnight, typing away with my fingers on fire and foaming at the mouth over the craziness of it all. Ha! I can just see it now! To my (pleasant) surprise, I've done better under pressure than I thought I would and do you know why that is? The Lord my Savior is first to thank for all the courage and strength He provides me with because without Him I'd be nothing, but also because I stopped trying to do and be it all . Now, understand that my house is never clean on the same day that the laundry is folded and dinner is made. Never. So I wasn't really "being" it all, but I consumed myself with the want for it. I wanted to look perfect and have dinner made when DH got home all while being in a great mood. I wanted to be able to go kick it with some girlfriends and laugh over lattes without having to pay for it later with an exasperated screaming toddler or a needy baby. I wanted to have a perfect home with all the laundry folded and put away and have something cute to wear for every day of the week. I just wanted more than I could give myself or my family. I see people on social networking sites every day and how lovely they look. And I would wonder, how in the world is everything so perfect for some people? Over the past few weeks, God has been working on my heart and here's a little something that I believe He wants and needs a lot of you mommy's to hear; you can't have it all! Somewhere amidst the perfect lives of others that we see or hear about, a sacrifice is being made. Let me break it down for you and how I've come to understand this little obvious concept. A few weeks ago, a dear friend of mine picked up my son Ezra for a few hours, yipee! Just me and the baby and so many possibilities! I decided I would shower, fix my hair and make up and look great for the rest of the day. Well, the rest of the day came too quick! That hour and a half that I spent getting myself ready up to someone else's standards could have been used to do something for someone else! I know it's important to take care of yourself and look great, bla bla, but my understanding of taking care of myself is so different from those that I was comparing myself to. You see, taking care of myself should go in the order of first spiritually, then mentally, then physically. Instead I was looking pretty and feeling quite empty. I realized that in that 90 minutes I had sacrificed sweet "agoo" moments with Adam, maybe reading a few chapters of the Bible or even a parenting book. I could have baked my love some cookies or done something extra special for him, but I didn't. I agree that moms need to take time for themselves, but this just wasn't the way for me. The time I take for myself would be better spent on something that beautifies my insides over aging outsides, besides, my husband can't even tell when I'm wearing makeup and tells me every day how beautiful I look. What more can a girl ask for? In the future, if you see me posting pictures of crafts, or cookies or looking prettier than my usual (lol) keep in mind that it's very likely that the background of that photo has dirty diaper bombs laying ALL over the place, clothing spewn throughout the entire house, an empty fridge and no dinner. Yup. We all sacrifice somewhere, for if we could have and do it all, we would not need God to lean on. And ladies, the reality is, we do. So if you look like crap, haven't gotten out of your pj's or house for a few days now, then you're like the majority of moms out there who have sacrificed and continue sacrificing themselves every day for their families. I know the day will someday come when I can take a shower, do my hair and makeup and all will still be well with the universe, but as of now-- I shower, plop on a hat and whatever is clean (or at least smells good) and get the ball rolling on the day ahead with my babies. We laugh, we cry, we learn and grow and I'm not about to give any of that up for some shmear on my face or other petty mumbo jumbo. Being a mom can be a thankless job, but that's not why we do it. I believe it's called love.

Therapy please!

After months of contemplating whether or not I should start a blog, here I am. We've all heard the saying that goes along the lines of "those who are scared to dream are just scared of failure" and that has been my reason for debate. Failure. Failure of what?! A small audience? Improper wording? Oh please. It takes me back to my days in elementary school and not being a cool kid. I remember the day I felt about as uncool a penguin in Hawaii.. (wait, Hawaii has penguins up for display in their hotels...so never mind that comparison). I came out of the lunch room eagerly searching for my "crowd" to go sit with in the field and gossip about Darby's high waisted stretchy pants and latest DIY haircut-- eek. Before I could get out to the field, there were my girls standing by the chalk lined brick wall of our school, joined by another girl that wasn't part of our group but knew the girls. The new girl quickly told me that I was no longer allowed to hang out with them and that we would no longer be talking at school, after which they gave me a half forced smile and walked away. I was crushed and for the remainder of the school year I saw them giggle and eat their lunches together and gossip in the field, probably about Darby's latest OOTD. Out of that experience I learned I wasn't cool enough for the "it" crowd at school, but I was quickly and effortlessly embraced by a few girls who were... different. They weren't the cool kids in the sense of having the latest trendy outfit, but they were definitely cool. They were nice and sweet and never made me feel like an outsider. They even gave me a nickname, oh joy! I figured from that point on that I didn't really care what those other cool kids thought of me. I actually enjoyed having a great time and having them glare at me for it-- which fueled my need for pressing people's buttons at an early age-- I found where I belonged and it felt great. Somewhere between high school and a bad haircut, I started feeling the need to fit in again but that's a different story. The point is, I've gone back to my elementary ways in the sense that I don't care if you don't like me or my blog, I don't care if you read it or not. I'm now a mother of two boys under the age of two, one of which is going through his terrible twos for a few months now and the other a beautiful 6 week old who just won't stop spitting up on me, my husband travels for work and we recently moved into a house with stairs. Oh the stairs. So in short, I need therapy. THIS is my therapy. You are welcome to sit in on my session but are just as welcome to leave if you don't like what I have to say. I'm just going to be myself and if you are too cool for me, I'll just have to deal with that. In my blog I'd like to show what goes on behind the scenes of that Instagram picture that most of us are so envious of. I will share my triumphs and failures of everyday, ordinary motherhood. My outfit of the day consists of my fat jeans, a zip up covered in spit up, my husbands Lakers hat and a pair of comfy ol' Privos. My breakfast is not homemade granola at a fancy little joint but rather a yogurt cup in one hand, a baby on my boob in the other while my toddler yells "mama" repeatedly at the top of his lungs and nothing will quiet him until I pick him up. Yup, if this all sounds too familiar then this session is for you as well. I don't care to have a ton of followers, just to keep my sanity amidst this roller coaster ride called motherhood so that I can be the best wife and mama to my family and maybe help someone feel that they are not the only ones out there with only a shred of sanity at the moment.